How Recent and Would-Be American Presidents Would Deal With a Hornet Nest

Posted by Eric F. Langborgh on 18 Jul 2007 at 11:39 am

Jimmy Carter — Pretend it’s not there, and run like hell if they sting.
Ronald Reagan — Work to undermine the foundation of the evil nest, support the efforts of good bees, and swat the hell out of the hornets if they do attack.
George H.W. Bush — Swat the hell out of the hornets when they cross into another’s yard, and then contain them. Poke at them from time to time for good measure.
Bill Clinton — Find a small hornet nest that doesn’t threaten us and try to build a bird’s nest in its place. Take away their aspirin but not their leader if they do attack.
George W. Bush — Compromise pursuit of attacking hornet and stick hand into a different hornet nest, and then insert another. Ask for more hands to stick in nest when it grows bigger.
Rudy Giuliani/John McCain — “We need ten more hands now! Four for the one we are already in and two each for the other three nests that are looking at us funny.”
Hillary Clinton/Mitt Romney — “What will play best with my base now?” When all else fails, give free aspirin to all hornets everywhere.
Ron Paul — Calmly pull hand out of hornet nest and keep it out. Cease aiding and abetting potential hornets. Encourage hornets to become constructive honey bees by eliminating restrictions on trade relations. If hornets still attack — and only if they attack — swat the hell out of them.